Blog o’ Stuff

Alright, so there’s a lot to update on. First things first, I have decided to no longer be known as Karin. Instead, I’ve decided that my chosen name will be Cassandra. This is the name I plan to use if I ever do a legal name change, unless I ask my parents what they would’ve named me and I like it better. That’s an unsure thing for now, though.

As I mentioned in my last post, I was going to go shopping for clothes of the female variety. As of now, I own two tops, three skirts, a black purse, and a pair of black wedges. As it ends up, I wear a size 11 in women’s shoes. Also, the second day I went shopping with a friend, I discovered thrifting, or shopping at thrift stores. It amazing what you can find there, like my purse and shoes (which cost about $4 each).  Yay for cheap clothes.

Speaking of clothes, as of now I have gone out all dressed up and made up three times. The first time was for my second therapy session. I had a friend help me with the makeup. My therapist said I looked really good. The second time I went a friend to a restaurant/bar. We met up with some other people who already know about me. I was self-conscious at first, but then felt more comfortable. The third time was probably the one that made me the most nervous and self-conscious. This time was to my group counseling session on campus. The reason I was the most nervous about this one was because I was walking across a place where I could run into a lot of people who know me, but not about me. Fortunately, it went alright and I got more compliments from the people in the group. I also asked them to start calling me by Cassandra or Cassie and to refer to me as ‘she’ instead of ‘he’. It feels weird to me, but I might as well get used to it.

Now comes the harder part, family. After that group counseling session, I called my brother and we talked for over an hour about me. I had come out to him via facebook since he wasn’t online at the time. I honestly prefer talking about major matters like this over IM due to my lack of ability to verbalize what’s going on in my head. IMing allows me to think things clearly before I send a message. However, he insisted on talking over the phone, so we did. He tried his best to not speak from his occupation, which is a counselor in a middle school, but it still came out. He doesn’t think that transitioning is the best choice for me, especially since I am having other issues as well. However, I look at myself and see all of these issues sprouting from me not being comfortable with myself. If I can fix this, I am positive the others will be much easier to fix as well. Along with my brother, I ended up talking to my father today. He called me out of nowhere and really questioned if I thought this was the way I wanted to go. He asked me what all I planned on doing and my response simply was, “becoming comfortable with myself.” He suggested seeing a regular therapist instead of a gender therapist to get a second opinion. I might try that in the future, but for now I’ll stick to seeing my therapist. One thing that both my brother and father noted was that throughout my life, I’ve always have tried to be different. I hope that this is not my subconscious reason for doing all this and it’s really making me doubt myself.

The doubt, though, might be a good thing for now. As of lately, I’ve been really happy with the steps I’ve taken towards the start of transitioning. Happy enough, to be absolutely excited to take the next step. Me being the person to constantly over-analyze  myself, I am beginning to question if I am moving too fast. As someone on tgboards said, I might be on a transition high. I’m not sure, I’m just following the feelings I feel on the inside. I still feel happier with each step I take, but I know I shouldn’t try to rush it.

Thanks for reading this mess,
Cassandra

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~ by kariniris on March 24, 2010.