Now things get interesting

Alright, so let’s see here. Time for catching up.

A friend of mine let me borrow her inserts for sticking into a bra so that the breasts look more even. What this means is that I could stuff with socks and it would still look realistic-ish. Anywho, I went to a local gay club to meet up with a friend I hadn’t seen since high school and has, since then, come out as lesbian and has a girlfriend. I did do something stupid that night, though. I couldn’t find anyone to go with, but I was tired of people planning to go and backing out, so I went by myself. Don’t worry, nothing bad happened. In fact, something good happened, but more on that later.

Anyways, I had fun at the club, except I made a bad choice in footwear. I’m not used to being in anything with the heel elevated much higher than the ball, so my feet started hurting pretty quickly. Of course, one of the last things you want to do at a club is walk around barefoot, so I managed for the meantime. I met up with my friend and her girlfriend, and another couple that were friends of theirs and we hung out. Going all around the club. Later in the night, there was a dance contest that I watched. All I can say is, good god can some of those people move in ways I didn’t think was physically possible. I hope to reach that point one day, but for now…weight loss.

Let’s see here…other things, other things…OH YEAH! I’ve since then bought some tennis shoes and those really short socks, and they are com-fort-able. I wear them pretty often nowadays, even when I’m not dressed up. I’m also still going to therapy with my same therapist, and I plan on sometime soon asking my parents to come with me to a session so we can talk things out with my therapist.

Speaking of therapists, I went to one that my dad said he’d pay for to get another opinion. The guy there was nice and open-minded. We mostly talked about how I didn’t know who I was and he constantly tried to make sure I wasn’t running away from myself. I may go back to him again, as my dad offered to pay for a general therapist.

And now comes the more difficult news, I met with my dad yesterday so we could talk about me. I didn’t know how much he knew, except there was something going on. However, it ends up he knew I was thinking of being transgender, which now that I think of it isn’t really true. I don’t think I am transgender, I know I am. Am I MtF? Maybe, but I could be gender-queer instead. I’m still working all that out. Back to business, he told me he wouldn’t pay for my current therapist (who I’ve been paying for myself) because he felt she had an agenda to push people to transition. This is another reason why I want him to go with me to a session at some point in the future. He’s concerned about me and is worried that I’m doing this to be different and to isolate myself from people, it’s further from the truth and I hope to bring that message across to him. Transitioning could be the biggest mistake of my life, I know, but that’s why I’m not rushing into it. I’m taking my time and trying things out. So far, though, it has been positive. He did say he’ll try to be supportive, but he disagrees with my current decisions.

Well, I’m sure things will work out one way or another.

Next please…

Alright, so my wardrobe now includes two more items. That’s right, I now own two bras. Man, was it hard to find some that fit me. My measurements were about a 38-40AA. However, the smallest cup size they had for that band size was B. So now I have two 38B bras that fit everywhere but the cups, so that means it’s time to learn how to stuff properly. Now, I have no clue what I’m doing so I’m trying to search for good advice as to how to do it without looking too fake. Anyone who wants to offer advice is welcome to do so.

In other news, I have been dealing with lots of stress. Talking with my family and their opinions about what I’m thinking of doing have made me doubt myself severely.  Granted, I’m still not sure what all my dad knows. I know what my mother told him, but he said my brother told him some stuff, so that throws more variables into the equation. Also, for his sake, I’ve decided to start seeing a second therapist, especially since he said he’d pay for it. So I have an appointment with a general therapist next week. I’ll see how that turns out.

As I mentioned before, I’ve gone out in public a few times dressed up. However, I’m most excited about this Sunday evening. The plan is to go with a group of people to S4, a gay club in the area, and I plan on being dressed/prettied up for it. Hopefully the plans go through.

Shorter post for now, more updates later.

Ciao.

Blog o’ Stuff

Alright, so there’s a lot to update on. First things first, I have decided to no longer be known as Karin. Instead, I’ve decided that my chosen name will be Cassandra. This is the name I plan to use if I ever do a legal name change, unless I ask my parents what they would’ve named me and I like it better. That’s an unsure thing for now, though.

As I mentioned in my last post, I was going to go shopping for clothes of the female variety. As of now, I own two tops, three skirts, a black purse, and a pair of black wedges. As it ends up, I wear a size 11 in women’s shoes. Also, the second day I went shopping with a friend, I discovered thrifting, or shopping at thrift stores. It amazing what you can find there, like my purse and shoes (which cost about $4 each).  Yay for cheap clothes.

Speaking of clothes, as of now I have gone out all dressed up and made up three times. The first time was for my second therapy session. I had a friend help me with the makeup. My therapist said I looked really good. The second time I went a friend to a restaurant/bar. We met up with some other people who already know about me. I was self-conscious at first, but then felt more comfortable. The third time was probably the one that made me the most nervous and self-conscious. This time was to my group counseling session on campus. The reason I was the most nervous about this one was because I was walking across a place where I could run into a lot of people who know me, but not about me. Fortunately, it went alright and I got more compliments from the people in the group. I also asked them to start calling me by Cassandra or Cassie and to refer to me as ‘she’ instead of ‘he’. It feels weird to me, but I might as well get used to it.

Now comes the harder part, family. After that group counseling session, I called my brother and we talked for over an hour about me. I had come out to him via facebook since he wasn’t online at the time. I honestly prefer talking about major matters like this over IM due to my lack of ability to verbalize what’s going on in my head. IMing allows me to think things clearly before I send a message. However, he insisted on talking over the phone, so we did. He tried his best to not speak from his occupation, which is a counselor in a middle school, but it still came out. He doesn’t think that transitioning is the best choice for me, especially since I am having other issues as well. However, I look at myself and see all of these issues sprouting from me not being comfortable with myself. If I can fix this, I am positive the others will be much easier to fix as well. Along with my brother, I ended up talking to my father today. He called me out of nowhere and really questioned if I thought this was the way I wanted to go. He asked me what all I planned on doing and my response simply was, “becoming comfortable with myself.” He suggested seeing a regular therapist instead of a gender therapist to get a second opinion. I might try that in the future, but for now I’ll stick to seeing my therapist. One thing that both my brother and father noted was that throughout my life, I’ve always have tried to be different. I hope that this is not my subconscious reason for doing all this and it’s really making me doubt myself.

The doubt, though, might be a good thing for now. As of lately, I’ve been really happy with the steps I’ve taken towards the start of transitioning. Happy enough, to be absolutely excited to take the next step. Me being the person to constantly over-analyze  myself, I am beginning to question if I am moving too fast. As someone on tgboards said, I might be on a transition high. I’m not sure, I’m just following the feelings I feel on the inside. I still feel happier with each step I take, but I know I shouldn’t try to rush it.

Thanks for reading this mess,
Cassandra

Taking the next step

Well, I had my first meeting with my therapist last Tuesday and it went very well. The oddest thing for me in it was that she would call me “Girl.” You know, like in an exclamation. It was weird because no one had ever called me that before, but I kinda liked it. We talked over several things and she asked if I had ever cross-dressed. My answer was no, because I was afraid to see myself in a mirror as a guy wearing women’s clothing instead of a woman. She told me that’s normal and I’ll have to get over it. No one apparently looks like a woman off the bat, it takes time and practice. So now, I’ve decided to take the next step towards transitioning and buy my first set of female clothes. I found a skirt I really liked, just hope I can afford it. Also, a friend of mine from high school offered to take me thrifting with her. That’ll be a money-saver right there. Anyways, the therapy session kept me in that feeling of being so happy I could cry. In fact, I did cry a few tears of joy later that day. I feel more and more that this is the right thing to do. Even now, a few days later, I still have that feeling. Unfortunately, it hasn’t done anything towards my lack of motivation to be productive. That’s just more work on my part, I guess.

Anywho, that’s all for now.

New news

Good grief, it’s been over a month. Didn’t mean to leave everyone hanging. I have a bit of news to catch everyone up on now.

As of now, I’ve been to two group counseling sessions for LGBT college students. There’s only four of us in it, but we’re all very supportive of each other. So far, it’s been pretty good. I have my next meeting in about 17 hours.

In related news, I start meeting with a gender therapist in about 15 hours. I’m really excited for it and just want to start working things out.

Oh, almost forgot. I came out to my parents a few weeks ago. I came out to my mother first, and she was not happy about it at all. She’s very religious and thinks I’m running away from my true self and God. As for my dad, my mom told him on the agreement that he could not talk to me about it until I was ready. He told me that I’m 22 now, so I can do whatever I want as long as I weight the consequences first.

And as of now, I’m on the verge of tears of happiness. Tonight I hung out with one of my female friends and she helped me with makeup. She’s a good friend and for the first time, I felt closer to being “one of the girls” than I ever had before. It’s made me so happy that I think my makeup might run now. It really is a good feeling to have.

I know I jump around a lot. I’m just don’t have the best organized thoughts and I’m still new to this whole blogging thing in general. So, cut me some slack and hope that I improve over time.

Until next time,
Karin

Status

So, yeah…new post. It’s been almost a month since my last one. Just haven’t thought of anything good to write.

Anywho, in the big news department I’m 22 years old as of last Tuesday.

Also, I’ve learned (and done) new things that I feel have helped with my low confidence. Yesterday, a friend of mine taught me the basics of make-up and as of now I am currently wearing foundation and eyeliner. I would wear more, but that’s all I can afford to get right now.
Earlier today, I went to a nearby mall and got my ears pierced. Unfortunately, the starter earrings I wanted did not have long enough rods, so I’m currently using some clear ones. Apparently my ear lobes are rather thick. Well, the current ones look good anyhow. I can’t wait for the healing process to finish so I can occasionally wear some nice dangling earrings and find other studs that I like. It’s going to be interesting when I see my parents again, as they had no idea I was even thinking about getting my ears pierced.

Anyways, the other big news is that I got into a counseling group for LGBT on campus. I’m hoping it will help me find myself and learn of resources I can use to help me along if I decide to go forth with transitioning.

Well, I suppose that’s all for now. Hopefully the next post won’t take as long as this one.

More About Me: Gender Issues

It’s interesting at times how the body can work sometimes. As of late, due to emotional stress, my body has actually begun feeling weighted in the chest and sometimes have small pains. Worrying about relationships and identity can do that to people after awhile, I guess.

Identity can especially be difficult at times if it involves gender, which is what I’m dealing with. As of right now, I am a male (using this name as a pen name), and I’m on the middle ground for the issue right now. It’s been in the back of my mind since about age 14 or 15, but never came into a full issue until recently. I have a strong desire to look female, more than just crossdressing could do for me.  I desire having a female body, except for the nether regions, as I would still like to be able to start a family with someone. In short, I desire to find myself beautiful, not handsome or just pretty. I would also like to, just once, wear a dress and look good in it.

Now, I’m interested solely in women. I guess the problem is that I love women so much, that I desire to more or less be one. I have not tried crossdressing as of yet, mainly for fear of scaring myself as I am not in the best of shape and have a small idea of how I hope to look.

The biggest problem I have with doing this, though, is my family. Almost all of my family are conservative Christians. Which means that they will probably not support me on this matter. One thing I am waiting for is to get a professional to give me clearance to go through the process and then tell them so they know that it’s not a stage. I just hope they won’t disown me or anything like that. It’s quite a frightful thing to think about.

I have done some things to start appearing more feminine, though, like shaving my body hair off and growing my hair out. When my parents ask me, I just tell them I shave for hygienic reasons and I’m growing my hair out just because I want to.

I’m not really sure what I’m doing now, my mind keeps jumping back and forth, but I hope I can figure something out. Hopefully, I’ll be able to join a counseling group for people experiencing the same problems. Well, that’s all I have for now. ‘Till next time.

Karin

First post…isn’t it exciting

First things first, an introduction is in order.

I’m Karin Iris and this is a log of my thoughts as I proceed through my quest to find out who I am and to find happiness. Now, that may sound like it’s another “I’m so emo” blog, and it very well may be at some points, but I’m writing this and not you.

For a bit more about me, I’m a college student in Texas studying 3D Modeling and Animation. I’m aspiring to improve my drawing ability and learn several of the Asian languages, but haven’t had much luck in either matter.

Anyway, that concludes the first post. So next time, I’ll focus more on my journey to insanity…or sanity, depends on how life turns out.